My addiction

Yes, today we will talk about my most incessant, loved, and frequently tapped addiction. It’s time for some confession.

I sneak off to get fixes.

I hide in the bathroom.

I have to have it. Seriously, I’m a junkie.

I’m a ‘multi-tasker.’

You can read that however you want- adrenaline junkie, intense, fast-paced… you know, I’m a guy that gets things done.

Here’s where I get blunt. It should be read- ‘double-minded,’ ‘divided,’ ‘inconsistent,’ ‘distracted,’ … even so far as, ‘intentionally busy to feel important.’ Yes… it’s true. I’m a multi-tasker because it makes me feel important.

I love for people to see me bustling around, getting stuff done, worn out. But it’s a joke. And it’s killing me.

Sure, we all know that we can only do one thing at a time. It’s common sense. But like many things that we ‘know’ we don’t really take it seriously.

We know that McDonalds is not real food. We know that it’s bad for your body to drink a lot of alcohol, that it’s a toxin and does what it does by literally thinning out our blood. We know that it’s stupid to text and drive. We know that it’s not wise to ride a motorcycle without a helmet, and that stats say that if you get in a wreck without one, you will die!

We know all of these things to be true. But does it stop us from doing what we want? No. A resounding no. We love grease, sensations, fun, attention… we love it. I love it.


This morning I watched a Rob Bell video put out by Nooma- and at first it didn’t strike me as much. The sort of thing that you look at and go, “Yeah, boy is that ever true.” and then you walk away and don’t really change anything much. You may think about it a bit, let it sorta sink in… but it’s more of a warm thought. Before you read on, watch it, and pay attention to the whole bit about Elijah.

Okay, now- let it sink in. Honestly. Go away. Shut down your computer, and sit in silence.


The noise, it kills us. We seek validation from it. We thrive on it. We pump it in our veins like back alley addicts. It comes in so many forms- business, entertainment, projects, inebriation… and it all exists to shut down our minds, and keep the silence out.

When it gets silent, the Lord gets loud.

When all is quiet, you hear you… you hear what’s actually going on inside, and you have to deal with it.

I can often hate the silence. I don’t want to deal with what’s actually going on inside of me. But time after time, when I let the silence consume me, and overwhelm me- it always turns out to be a comfort.

The silence and sweet whisper of the Lord is terrifying and wild thing. You never know what the great lion will whisper in your ears. And when you lose your safeties, your pleasantries, it’s as though you’re left in the dark with the lion prowling around.

Will he pounce?

Is he going to kill me?


I don’t want a divided mind. I don’t want to thrive on the stress. I don’t want validation from always being busy. I want to rest in my God and creator. I want to commune with Him.

Maybe for Lent this year I’ll do a different sort of fast… can you fast from, you?

I’m sure gonna try.

I want there to be silence in my heart. Maybe I can learn what the idea of the Sabbath is really all about.


2 thoughts on “My addiction

  1. Joseph

    Pascal has this quote you might like:

    “I have often said that the sole cause of man’s unhappiness is that he does not know how to stay quietly in his room.”

    Peter Kreeft offers commentary on it,

    “We ought to have much more time, more leisure, than our ancestors did, because technology, which is the most obvious and radical difference between their lives and ours, is essentially a series of time-saving devices.
    In ancient societies, if you were rich you had slaves to do the menial work so that you could be freed to enjoy your leisure time. Life was like a vacation for the rich because the poor slaves were their machines. . . .
    [But] now that everyone has slave-substitutes (machines), why doesn’t everyone enjoy the leisurely, vacationy lifestyle of the ancient rich? Why have we killed time instead of saving it? . . .
    We want to complexify our lives. We don’t have to, we want to. We wanted to be harried and hassled and busy. Unconsciously, we want the very things we complain about. For if we had leisure, we would look at ourselves and listen to our hearts and see the great gaping hole in our hearts and be terrified, because that hole is so big that nothing but God can fill it.
    So we run around like conscientious little bugs, scared rabbits, dancing attendance on our machines, our slaves, and making them our masters. We think we want peace and silence and freedom and leisure, but deep down we know that this would be unendurable to us, like a dark and empty room without distractions where we would be forced to confront ourselves. . .
    If you are typically modern, your life is like a mansion with a terrifying hole right in the middle of the living-room floor. So you paper over the hole with a very busy wallpaper pattern to distract yourself. You find a rhinoceros in the middle of your house. The rhinoceros is wretchedness and death. How in the world can you hide a rhinoceros? Easy: cover it with a million mice. Multiple diversions.”

    Both of these agree very much with what you’re saying, and I think you are very right and provide some good food for thought, in silence.

    1. John Cullimore Post author

      Wow… Joe, I couldn’t have asked for a more apt reply.

      Today, I’m rethinking everything…

      Is anything I do genuine?

      Am I motivated by God at all?

      Good questions to ask.

      I used to read Kreeft all the time. I had Socrates Meets Jesus about memorized.

      I came home from work tonight- went in my room and asked God for help. I want to be here. I want to give my kids good things. What do I do?

      I decided to read them a book and watch UP with them. A good evening.

      I can’t fix the world, but I can connect with God right now, in this moment. That’s all that I have


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