Confessions of an Ungrateful Heart

“O Lord, hear my prayer!

Pay attention to my cry for help!

Do not ignore me in my time of trouble!

Listen to me!

When I call out to you, quickly answer me!

For my days go up in smoke, and my bones are charred like a fireplace… Because of anxiety that makes me groan…

For the last couple of months I’ve been downright tired. In fact, more than a few times I’ve grumbled under my breath that I hate my life.

More and more I had been wanting to escape and just sleep, watch movies… fade away.

We just had an annual festival here, a festival where we get together and celebrate our life together… it’s a weekend where we really enjoy each other and rejoice. I spent most of the weekend longing for my bed. I tried to want to be with people… I did.

I hate that feeling. You’re exhausted inside and out. You know that it’s off, you know that you should want to be with the church, good people who are filled with love, but you just don’t have it in you.

I was walking around watching people smiling and laughing, and I just couldn’t muster it up without being the biggest phony ever.

I know that there’s some out there who believe in the “fake it till you make it” philosophy… but I just don’t buy it. At least, not for the long run. When you’re trying, day after day, and not “making it” then something is wrong.

My friend Shammah told my wife and I once, “There’s nothing more important than being in the presence of God. If you can’t find it, you have to halt everything and get back with Him.” He explained that if we really believe what we say that we believe, then there is no greater task than being next to our heavenly Father… everything else can wait.

That’s not faking it, that’s honesty.

I didn’t feel my God anywhere… but it’s funny, I saw him everywhere. I even saw him working through me and the situations around me. I saw him working despite me. I just wanted to go to sleep.

Finally, I snapped. I wanted to hurt everyone around me. I was annoyed by them all. I couldn’t see gratefulness worth anything.

Sometimes, on my lunch breaks I’ll exercise and watch a mystery show on Netflix or something… it’s great for unwinding. But last Thursday, I just couldn’t. I needed to hash it out with God. I needed something.

If I was hiding sin I wanted it revealed. If I was filled with hatred I wanted to know. I wanted God to show me so that I could make him happy!!!!

But all that I got was love. It was one of those moments when he simply wraps around you and says, “Son, you’re fine, and you need a nap.”

So I laid there and cried. I know, sounds like a weak thing to do. But I’m weak. I’m pitiful without my God. I just wanted to be a good dad, husband, friend… and God was telling me that I needed a nap.

I cried for a while, and came inside and my friend pulled me aside and told me how much Yvonne and I really needed sleep. Wow, what a shocker. It was sweet really.

Having real and true friends is the best combatant of depression. You need people to tell you, “No, you don’t actually hate everyone, you’re just tired. Have a nap and relax. You are loved.” And to believe them and rest in them is so wonderful.

I’ll write more about the following few days tomorrow… because God had a WHOLE lot more to say about the subject, and especially on those first few bits of Psalm 102 that I posted there.

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3 thoughts on “Confessions of an Ungrateful Heart

  1. Tyler

    Your finding out the truth and that’s awesome. We are all so weak but God is our strength I hope my blog can help you strengthen your relationship with him. God bless!

    Reply
  2. Kitty

    John. I sure love you. Last week I curled up fetus style cried out to God and telling Him I just want to feel His arms about me and lay on His breast. I felt comforted and fell asleep. I am glad a friend told you that you are not being hateful but tired. Quit judging yourself and let others Love on you.Loved your post.

    Reply

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